Pick a path well, and stick to it
Choosing the path of most love, connection, and growth
“The things you think are the disasters in your life are not the disasters really. Almost anything can be turned around: out of every ditch, a path, if you can only see it.”
Hilary Mantel
The world is a scary place right now. Dictators dominate the news, wars rage, natural disasters are increasing in frequency, or that’s how it seems. Individually, some folk are losing their minds; existential burnout is setting in. But that doesn’t mean we are doomed, dear friends. ‘Out of every ditch, a path, if only you can see it’ counsels Hilary Mantel via the character of Thomas Cromwell in Bring Up the Bodies. Even when everything seems to be spiralling straight to hell, we have paths to choose. And we must choose wisely.
The following rule for path selection works for projects, colleagues, even furniture. But I’m going to focus on romantic relationships. You can extrapolate to other areas, you won’t go far wrong.
First of all, a story from a few years ago. In around 2021, I was finding relationships painful to navigate. I wanted to connect with the brightest, shiniest things around. But the brightest, shiniest things have many demands on their time. They make friends easily, keep lots around, can make more in a heartbeat. I learned, instead, to keep my eyes open for the path of most love, connection, and growth. I wrote my new mantra on a whiteboard in my kitchen. And I’ve been making choices with this in mind ever since.
Choosing the path of most love, connection and growth is a coda to the idea that when making decisions, if it isn’t a, ‘Hell yes!’ then it’s a no.
The ‘Hell yes!’ option is needed, to take on a new thing, with everything that you have going on, all the demands on your time. But sometimes, feeling very strongly, ‘Hell yes!’ about someone might mean they are too bright and shiny. They attract strongly, but require a ‘love, connection, and growth’ check. Is the person interested, but only so long as you are prepared to compromise your values or beliefs? Do they only really like talking about the things they are interested in? Do they send you too many messages, disappear for days, or cause you to continually second guess yourself as you interact with them?
If so, proceed with confidence in the opposite direction.
An example: a few years ago, I met a bright shiny, enormously attractive person, who I wanted to get to know better. It was a pretty miserable time, I was happy simply to have found somebody with whom I could make a connection. But it became clear, pretty quickly, that we had very different values about life. To give a trivial example, I buy lamps that look like animals - she considered this twee and awful. But, interior design differences aside, I clung on, because I was desperate for connection of any kind. Eventually, she called it off, and not a moment too soon. Why didn’t I call it off? Because I had not yet learned my lesson, to follow the path of most love, connection, and growth.
This was not the first time something like this had happened, but I vowed it would be the last.
I decided to look for people for my life who were equally committed to me as I was to them. People who continued to want to spend time together. To come closer; to unashamedly say, ‘I like you, and nothing you can do or say will change that.’ I was delighted to find that this works much better as a foundation for a good relationship. In my lovely partner, Sam, I found somebody who embodies all of these things, and likes animal based light fittings as much as I do. Possibly more.
The tricky thing about the path of most love, connection, and growth, is that it may not shimmer quite as brightly as the one that is lined with Catherine wheels, paved with gold, scattered with a shower of brightly coloured confetti. Instead, it sparkles quietly, possibly beneath snarled and tangled branches. It may not be signposted all that well. But it is there, if only you can see it.
Keep an eye out for the path of most love, connection, and growth. The person who wants to connect with you, unreservedly. The person for whom there is no level of connection that feels like ‘too much’. The person who isn’t afraid. And then cuddle up under your fabulous flamingo wall light together, and stick to that path like glue.
Beautiful, Rachel! No-one can be blamed for wanting connection, don't we all? When we choose to ignore someone's downsides & focus on what attracts us to them, that's a good thing. Every relationship needs handfuls of forbearance and tolerance. But when the amount of ignoring you're doing gets so high you can't ignore it, you have to think again, and that must've been heartbreaking because you were working so hard. I'm so glad you have Sam.